Porn and Tanks

I moved to London six months ago. Within  a fortnight the Queen died, the pound crashed, and a head of lettuce outlasted the new prime minister. Since then, I’m more struck by the similarities, vs. the differences, between New York and London. One clear distinction though: Royalty. Or more specifically, the nation’s tortured relationship with its monarchy.

Until the 20th century, monarchies were the most popular form of government. They ranged in political authority, from symbolic (constitutional monarchy) to autocratic (absolute monarchy). Hands down, the most awesome thing about monarchies were the titles: emperor, empress, king, queen, raja, khan, tsar, sultan, shah, pharaoh. I asked my youngest over breakfast if he’d mind, from this point forward, referring to me as “Khan of Marylebone.” He seemed open to it.

Besides the cool titles, however, dressing people up in crowns, gold, and silk because of who their parents were is weird. And, unsurprisingly, it makes them weird, too. Today, monarchies the world over are a museum of troubled people. While he was crown prince, the current King of Thailand appointed his pet poodle Fufu to the position of Air Chief Marshal. Princess Märtha Louise of Norway claims she can communicate with animals and angels; her celebrity shaman fiancé, who believes cancer is a choice, likely concurs. Juan Carlos I of Spain fled to Abu Dhabi after cashing $100 million in fraudulent checks. Prince Andrew is (fill in the blank).

It’s no surprise that the institution is ailing. The hereditary nature of monarchies is their most glaring comorbidity. I can prove to each of us that 99% of our children are not in the top 1%. Just as my TV career has weakened and/or killed four streaming networks (CNN+, Bloomberg Quicktakes, Vice, BBC+), an actress from the USA network may be the pathogen that kills monarchies … everywhere. Although, as the internet has pointed out, Meghan should be credited with achieving what we all aspire to accomplish: convincing our spouse their family is awful.

In today’s media landscape, where there is friction there is attention that can be monetized. Netflix paid the couple $100 million dollars to tell the tale of how a woman in her late thirties saved a prince from the horrors of Buckingham Palace. Netflix was on the better side of this deal: The show racked up 82 million viewing hours in its first week. Harry’s book, meanwhile, sold more copies in its first week than any non-Harry Potter title in history.

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