The Odd Power of Loneliness Can Change the Way You Think

You’re a dangerous person if you go through things alone and come back better — Aaron Will

Most of my biggest problems in life have been solved by loneliness. That’s the opposite of what you’ll typically hear.

Lose the love of your life? Go out for a night on the town. Get a cancer diagnosis? Go with your friends to tick things off your bucket list. Want to build a business? Network your face off. Want to be a content creator? Get lots of followers and have people like you.

Since all of the lockdowns began, I’ve had to get good at being lonely. As I write this, I still can’t leave my home or see friends. Restaurants are no longer havens to sit down and socialize. A lonely takeaway meal is all I’m allowed if I want to stay out of jail. Socializing is illegal where I live.

The idea of loneliness hit me again recently. I found out I have severe tinnitus, in which my hearing has the addition of high-pitched noises that are the definition of insanity. Don’t believe me? Famous artist Vincent Van Goh had the same condition He chopped his own ear off trying to solve the problem. Still, today, there is no cure for tinnitus.

I posted the story on social media, as I do with every moment in my life, to try to make sense of it all. The post went viral. My inbox was flooded with hundreds of messages from strangers on the internet.

Then it hit me: I just want to be alone.

To have your hearing permanently altered feels like a disability. It’s like saying goodbye to one of your legs. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I love music. I love podcasts. But now I have to be away from those things so I don’t make my tinnitus worse. Hearing is now a huge privilege to me, when previously I took it for granted.

Until I could be alone with my new fate, I couldn’t talk about it with others.

Since the diagnosis I’ve spent a lot of time alone. For the first time in years, I’ve walked through nature without a pair of Apple earphones on. I’ve sat in a dark room to try and make sense of what I hear. To give it some sort of empowering meaning.

Here’s what I’ve learned: We need to prove we’re okay alone first. Loneliness is the antidote to a lot of things in life.

 
Learn to enjoy your own company

A few years ago, I experienced a bad breakup. It ripped my world apart. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I was lovesick. Mentors told me not to be alone, to be around people to take my mind off things. I ignored them.

I got used to going to restaurants alone. I went overseas by myself to see the world and look for new possibilities. I even went to the cinema alone. People would look at me strangely. A guy all by himself in the cinema is considered weird. People think you’re broken or don’t have any friends.

The simple truth is I needed to be by myself. I needed to learn to enjoy my own company again and not always require other people to enable my happiness. Only when I got used to being alone and accepting my reality was I able to go back out and find love again. Eventually I met my fiancé. We’ll get married soon, if lockdowns ever end.

Without loneliness, things would have remained broken. Loneliness cured a lot. It let me get comfortable with who I really am.

It’s common to worship attention, socializing, and networking. What if there’s a better way? Loneliness showed me there is. It taught me to accept the bitter truths of my failures and brutal selfishness problem. Maike Luhmann, a psychologist at the University of Cologne in Germany, says that loneliness can be a good thing, a signal that something in your life needs to change.

If you’re going through something difficult in life, try loneliness. This quote reminds us of the odd power of loneliness: “All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone,” wrote the French philosopher Blaise Pascal.

It’s okay to be by yourself. Loneliness is a strength, not a weakness.

– Tim Denning