Mr. Fix It
Framework to improve relationship communication: Helped, Heard, or Hugged
Confession: I’m a recovering fixer.
I always try to fix things. When people come to me with problems, my bias is to try to fix them. This is (mostly) good in a professional context, but when you bring this bias into your relationships, the results can be decidedly mixed.
Over the years, my Mr. Fix It mentality led to a lot of tense moments with my wife, family, and friends. They’d come to me with a problem, and I would immediately start deconstructing the situation and offering potential solutions. I found it puzzling that the other person would often reject my solutions and withdraw (or even get angry with me for offering them).
What I came to realize (after far too long): Sometimes, people don’t want you to fix it. They just want you to be there with them.
The “Helped, Heard, or Hugged” Framework has been immensely helpful in improving my handling of these situations by allowing me to give the other person what they need in a situation.
I first read about it in a NYT Well article by Jancee Dunn and have been using it ever since.
The framework is simple:
When someone you love comes to you with a problem, you ask, “Do you want to be helped, heard, or hugged?
- Helped: Deconstruct the problem and identify potential solutions. Mr. Fix It can come out to play.
- Heard: Listen intently and allow the other person to express (and vent) as needed.
- Hugged: Provide comforting physical touch. Touch is a powerful love language for many (including my wife). They just want to feel your presence with them.
The idea is to ask the question to create a two-way awareness of what is needed in the situation. After a while, it should become a pattern that you can recognize without asking.
If you’ve ever struggled to appropriately identify what your partner, friend, or family member needs in a situation, give the “Helped, Heard, or Hugged” Framework a shot and let me know what you think.
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