Taming our worst impulses
We all wrestle demons. Mine is a fight-or-fight impulse. No, that’s not a typo — the flight thing isn’t in my toolbox, Jim VandeHei writes.
- In conflict, I want to argue, prove myself right or righteous — and win, decisively.
- You can imagine how this demon, untamed, stirs all kinds of potential trouble with my wife or with people in business.
Why it matters: The thin, fragile line between success and failure in marriage/relationships and work is knowing and then taming your personal demons.
The big picture: I’m doubtful we ever truly conquer them fully. We hide ’em. We cage ’em. But the moment we think we beat ’em, they return.
- I was remindedof this after the White House Correspondents’ Association annual dinner two weekends ago.
The backstory: Michael Schaffer, a Politico columnist, called saying he wanted an interview about my weekly Finish Line column. My initial response: Hell no.
- I said there was no way Politico would ever allow him to write positively or fairly about Axios … or me … or Finish Line. (For those unfamiliar with Washington media drama, I co-founded and ran Politico, but left after a dispute over business values with the previous owner.)
Schaffer promised he was on the level, and insisted he admired the culture inside Axios — a big focus of this column. So, I bit. Our hourlong interview was thoughtful and very friendly. I kinda liked the guy. Sucker!
- His Politico columnwas snarky, cynical and inaccurate. It pissed me off.
- Just after it published, I found myself at a late-night party at the Swiss ambassador’s residence, tequila and soda in hand. Matt Kaminski, the editor-in-chief of Politico, stood nearby.
Fight-or-fight kicked in. I put down my drink, put my hand on his shoulder, and told him the column was a “piece of shit” and that he should be ashamed for greenlighting it.
- We had a spirited chat. I’m pretty sure I ended it by saying: “You are dead to me.” Hat tip: Casamigos Blanco.
The result: I blew hours of my life stewing about something meaningless — then interrupted a fun night griping about it.
- Was Kaminski really going to admit he or his boss ordered up a petty little cheap shot? Fat chance.
It did spark the idea to write this. And it gave me time to reflect on how any of us tame impulses:
- Spot them. You can’t control what you don’t see. I knew early on the same impulse that got me kicked out of high school science class (I was certain the teacher was a fraud) or disorderly conduct in college (I was certain the drinking age was too low)would get me in trouble if unchecked. You can’t fix something until you admit it’s broken.
- Understand the root.We need to reckon with what fuels our worst impulses. In this case, it’s probably a mix of ego, pride (I throw all of myself into things I care about, so any attack can feel like a shot at my core being) and self-righteousness.
- Quit rationalizing.It’s easy to convince yourself you’re simply being principled and fighting for what’s right. But when that same impulse is behind most of your bad decisions, try a different lens. If a habit or tendency leads to a bad result more than once, it’s gut-check time.
- Listen to others.My wife, Autumn, and co-founders, Roy and Mike, are quite proficient at telling me to chill out and focus on what actually matters. We all need hard-truth tellers to hold us accountable.
- Realize your recidivism.I am a calmer, more controlled guy at age 52. I’m more disciplined and harder to stir up. But I’m still me — and myblink emotional response is to defend and debate. I kinda like confrontation. Just knowing that helps keep it in check.
- Laugh at yourself.We all need to take ourselves less seriously. We can chuckle at our glitches — as long as we’re aware of them and working on them. Sometimes, you can even write columns about them.
Πηγή: axios.com
