Stoicism As A Trojan Horse Of Self-Sabotage
I felt particularly clever with this title. Stoicism was created by the Greeks, as was the Trojan Horse, a symbol originally intended to be friendly, but in hindsight proved to be one of the most devious tricks ever conjured.
Stoicism entered my life as a Trojan Horse as well. At first, I was enthralled. I’ve read Marcus Aurelius’s Meditations, Epictetus’s Enchiridion or A Manual For Living, and much of Ryan Holiday’s work on the topic; listened to podcasts and lectures; and have thought for years that if I ever had a boy, his name would be Marcus. I even joined a group themed around it, called The Stoa.
But, I’ve been bullshitting myself.
I’ve been using Stoicism as a tool to be unkind to myself. It came into my life via myriad productivity gurus and growth hackers, amongst other hustle porn. I’m sure Marcus Aurelius didn’t intend Stoicism to be used as a productivity hack, shilled by marketing gurus as a means of placating holes in their souls. I know plenty of folks who use Stoicism like an opiate, an excuse to work too much and self-flagellate. I know, because I used to do the same. Mind you, I’ve studied Stoicism for years and only discovered the pattern this week, so I assume the same may be true for other people.
Stoicism became popular for a reason. It contains serious gems of wisdom. For example,
It never ceases to amaze me: we all love ourselves more than other people, but care more about their opinion than our own.– Marcus Aurelius
At first glance, this seems great! Being a people pleaser is self-induced slavery, and I engage in pleasing all the time, like right now. I want you to like me, I want to prove to you that I’m worthy of your attention, that I have brilliant insights to share with you.
Seeking validation externally is an exercise in futility. You may never get it. Even when you do, it often feels vapid and empty.
But, this is where I really screwed myself by employing Stoicism as a Trojan Horse. Unfortunately, English wasn’t the original language of the Stoics, so it’s totally possible things were lost in translation.
Constantly seeking external validation is a great way to make yourself anxious. Trust me, I’ve done it for years.
But, what about internal validation? Where does that come from? Forgive me as I stumble through this, because I’m just beginning to learn it.
Internal validation, as expected, comes from the inside. It’s a gift from me to myself. Nobody can give it to me, and nobody can take it away.
That’s the kicker: if I don’t give it to myself, I won’t have it!
I screwed this up for a long time thanks to Stoicism, or at least, how I interpreted it. My understanding of Stoicism involved never fishing for compliments and ignoring those I received. Or that they are not true compliments and even if they are, they are immaterial since I’d be dead soon.
But, that’s not quite correct. Stoicism teaches us that compliments aren’t the real rewards. Real rewards come from the deliberate cultivation of virtue. The real goodies in life come from doing good deeds.
In addition to leaving out internal validation, the Stoics left out what western psychologists call “healthy self esteem”. Healthy self esteem is about a baseline level of human dignity. Like internal validation, no one can give this to us, and no one can take it away. My best guess is that Marcus Aurelius left it out because to him, it was obvious, something that goes without saying.
Just because no one can give it to you doesn’t mean you know you have it. No one else can make you special; you are special by default. Think about it. Just to exist, you had to beat millions of other sperm!
While nobody can give me healthy self-esteem, nobody taught me about it either. But, I don’t blame them for it, because nobody taught them too. In fact, I was taught the opposite, from seemingly everywhere. The opposite of healthy self-esteem is performance-based esteem, or another way of saying “conditional love”. This translates to being worthy only if you achieve, bombarded with messages of…
Achieve, achieve, achieve. Do more, and when you’ve done that, do more, and afterwards, do a little more. Then, when you’re done, focus deeply on all the mistakes you made and places you failed.
For me, these messages ran on an infinite loop for years, and they still do when I’m not careful and don’t remind myself to practice healthy self-esteem. They were downloaded into my brain and ran automatically.
For the record, I don’t blame Marcus Aurelius. I don’t think the Greeks had words like “performance-based esteem” or “internal versus external validation”. Stoicism may not have overlooked anything at all.
Healthy self-esteem and internal validation are fundamental to well-being. It could be that the Stoics thought these were so obvious that they left them out of the recipe.
I’ll let Marcus, Seneca, Epictetus, and the other Stoics off the hook here. It’s not their fault I misinterpreted the teachings. I’ll own that.
But, I’m not the only young achievement-oriented male in the world that subscribes to Stoicism. Stoicism has permeated our culture, and I honestly think it helps tons of people. But, it duped me. I interpreted it like much of the other hustle porn out there, using it as an excuse to just do more, all the time, without validating myself.
I don’t yet have a slick replacement, but here’s what I’ve been trying so far to develop healthy self-esteem:
- Letting myself feel my emotions. If I’m sad, that’s not code for “work more and you’ll feel better.” More work to achieve doesn’t lead to healthy self-esteem. It instead fuels performance-based esteem, pouring water into a bucket with a hole in the bottom. This bucket will never be full.
- Listen to them! Old me didn’t. It’s like ignoring a check engine light till the car shuts down and strands me.
- Really practicing and getting into the weeds on that last step. For example, audiophiles can enjoy a whole song, but also selectively listen to the percussion, vocals, back up vocals, bass, treble, rhythm, and all of them together. There’s a richness to it, and I’m learning to appreciate the richness of my emotions working in symphony.
- Reminding myself to practice listening all the damn time, and being around people that are doing the same thing, or have been doing it a long time.
- Getting back on the saddle when I forget. I’m a human, and humans forget things. No need to dunk on myself.
The skill of internal validation eluded me for so long. I always thought participation trophies were silly. For the record, I think they still are. But, kids need to learn that they have inherent human dignity regardless of the score on the board. Winning a game doesn’t make you a better person, it just means you scored more points.
In any relationship, scorekeeping is a great way to tank the happiness level. It took me thirty years to realize I’d been keeping score against myself, and I was constantly losing, getting defeated by the hypothetical person I thought I was supposed to be.
Drew
Πηγή: stegdrew.com
